Responding to Challenging Behaviour Calmly and Effectively

It’s the moment many parents dread: a full-blown meltdown in the grocery store, a screaming refusal at bedtime, or a sudden burst of hitting or throwing when things don’t go as expected. These moments can feel overwhelming, isolating, and sometimes even heartbreaking. You’re doing your best, and yet it can seem like nothing is working. You’re not alone and you’re not failing.

Challenging behaviour is often a child’s way of communicating something they can’t yet express with words. It might be frustration, sensory overload, fear, tiredness, or a need for connection. The behaviour may look aggressive, oppositional, or defiant but underneath it is a child trying to cope with a world that can feel too big, too fast, or too confusing.

At Nova, we approach these moments not with judgement, but with understanding. As behaviour analysts, we know that every behaviour serves a function - whether it’s to gain attention, escape a demand, access a preferred item, or meet a sensory need. And once we understand what the behaviour is trying to achieve, we can respond calmly and effectively, not just to stop it in the moment, but to teach something better in the long run.

So, how can parents respond in a way that’s both supportive and grounded in evidence-based ABA strategies? Here are a few powerful approaches:

1. Stay Calm - Even When It’s Hard. Your calm is your child’s anchor. When you respond with anger or panic, it often escalates the situation. But when you stay grounded with a neutral tone, soft eyes, and steady presence, you show your child that they are safe, even in the storm.

2. Planned Ignoring - Sometimes, attention can accidentally reinforce challenging behaviour. Planned ignoring means purposefully withholding attention from minor, non-dangerous behaviours (like whining or pouting) while still staying emotionally available. It's not neglect, it's a strategy to avoid unintentionally reinforcing behaviours you don’t want to see more of.

3. Redirection - Redirection means gently guiding your child toward a more appropriate activity or behaviour. If your child is throwing blocks, you might say, “Let’s build a tower instead,” or hand them a ball that’s safe to throw. It shifts their focus and gives them a new way to engage - without punishment.

4. Functional Communication Training (FCT) - Many challenging behaviours happen because a child doesn’t yet know how to ask for what they need. FCT teaches the child a more appropriate, effective way to communicate, like using words, pictures, gestures, or a communication device. If your child hits when they want a toy, we might teach them to say or point to “my turn” instead. We’re not just stopping behaviour - we’re building skills.

5. Reinforce the Good: Immediately and Often - When your child does something positive, even something small, catch it and celebrate it. Reinforcement helps those moments grow. “Thank you for asking nicely!” or “I love how you waited your turn” can go a long way in shaping future behaviour.

6. Know When to Take a Break - If emotions are too high, yours or your child’s, it’s okay to pause. Step away if needed. Breathe. Regulate. You’re not expected to be perfect. You’re allowed to be human.

The most important thing to remember is this: your child is not trying to give you a hard time - they are having a hard time. And you, as their parent, are their safe place. They need your presence more than your solutions in those tough moments.

Supporting a child through challenging behaviour doesn’t mean being passive. It means being strategic, patient, and compassionate. It means understanding the “why” behind the behaviour, responding with intention, and teaching the child a better way to get their needs met.

And most of all, it means showing up with love - again and again, even when it’s hard.

You’re not alone on this journey. And with the right support, your child can learn, grow, and replace those challenging behaviours with meaningful communication, confidence, and connection.