Behaviour is Communication: Learning to Listen Beneath the Struggles

We often meet families who feel overwhelmed, worried, or even heartbroken by their child’s behaviour. You might see your child hit, scream, avoid eye contact, or retreat into silence and wonder why. You might ask yourself: Is this something I did? Are they trying to be difficult? But here’s a truth we hold close in our work: all behaviour has meaning and every child, regardless of how they communicate, is trying to tell us something.

From a behaviour analytic perspective, behaviour is not random. It is purposeful. It is functional. Even when it looks like a meltdown or a shutdown, that behaviour is serving a need. It is our job as therapists, educators, and especially as parents, to listen with our eyes and our hearts, not just our ears, because underneath the surface of every behaviour is a message.

When a child throws a toy, they may be saying, “This is too hard.” When they run away from a task, they might be saying, “I’m scared I’ll get it wrong.” When they scream at bedtime, maybe they’re saying, “I don’t want to be alone.” And when they hit, it could be the only way they know to say, “Help me.”

For many children with autism or developmental differences, language may not come easily, but their behaviour speaks volumes. The challenge is that the world often responds to these behaviours with correction or discipline, instead of curiosity and care. That’s where Applied Behaviour Analysis (ABA) can make a difference. ABA gives us the tools to look beyond the behaviour, to discover the reason behind it, and to teach new, more helpful ways for children to get their needs met. In ABA, we begin by identifying the function(s) of a behaviour, whether a child is trying to gain attention, escape a task, seek sensory input, or access a preferred item. Once we understand why a behaviour is happening, we don’t try to suppress it. We use that understanding to build bridges - teaching the child to ask for help, to say “all done,” to use a picture, a gesture, a word, or a communication device.

When we shift our mindset from “how do I stop this behaviour?” to “what is my child trying to tell me?”, something beautiful happens. Our frustration turns into empathy, our reactions turn into responses, and our relationship with our child deepens in ways we never expected.

This doesn’t mean that the journey is easy. There will be hard days. There will be tears for both you and your child. But there will also be breakthroughs. The first time your child points to what they want instead of crying. The moment they grab your hand and lead you, instead of pushing you away. The joy you feel when you hear “mama” or “dada”, not because someone told them to say it, but because they wanted to.

These moments are not just progress; they are proof. Proof that your child is communicating. That they have always been trying to, and now, they are learning how to do it in a way that others can understand.

So if you’re feeling lost or discouraged by the behaviours you see, take heart. Your child is not trying to give you a hard time. They are trying to communicate in the only way they know how. And with patience, support, and compassionate teaching, they can learn new ways to express their needs, their wants, their feelings - their voice.

At Nova ABA Services Inc., we are here to walk alongside you in that process. To help you see your child’s behaviours not as problems to fix, but as clues to their inner world. Because when we learn to listen beneath the struggle, we begin to understand, and when we understand, everything changes.